down from the edge

Again, sleep to the rescue. I got a nap. For at least an hour. Complete with dreams and everything. I feel much less “on the edge.” The sleeplessness, the constant demands of motherhood, it is all so draining for me. I think one of the things that bugs me the most is how needy it makes me. I don’t mind being needy every now and then, but I’m a walking nerve ending. just so damn needy. makes me emotionally bleed on anyone who gives me the time of day.

on the edge

I didn’t sleep enough last night. I feel so close to the edge. I am reading Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. I find myself weeping at parts of it. The parts about how marriages fall apart after children come, how women lose control over their own bodies throughout the medicalized process of pregnancy and especially during childbirth itself, about how it isn’t fair the way women are treated as mothers. “The personal is political” is the mantra of the feminist movement. Never have I felt more certain that this sentiment is true. And nothing is more personal in my life right now than motherhood. I am becoming radicalized. (ok, like I wasn’t already).

Questions of a four year old

K: Mom, are you always going to be my mom?
Me: Yes, sweetie.
K: Even when you die?
Me: Yes.
K: Mom, can you not die? (pause) Can you tell God to not make you die?
Me (choking up): Yes, sweetie, I will.