fire ants

E just got bit on his ankles by these damn fire ants that are everywhere. He’s got horrible welts; five on one ankle and seven on the other. He seems fine now but I felt so bad for him.

post script: The swelling has gone down. He hasn’t gone to sleep (naturally), but at least I can keep a watch on him easily that way. I am supposed to monitor him to make sure he doesn’t stop breathing (have an anaphylactic reaction). The welts can last up to a week! I’m going to trim his nails really good so he doesn’t scratch and get them infected.

flying

Since we now live near the airport, I took the children outside around the time T’s flight was set to depart. Sure enough, we saw an airplane even in spite of the partial cloud cover. It was going in the wrong direction, but at least it was going up. We waved and waved. I have no idea if it was T’s plane or not, after all planes do often have to take off and land in strange directions according to other air traffic. Both children thought it was neat to wave to Daddy’s plane. E scrunched his fingers together in a little fist as he is wont to do and said, “Bye, Da.” He’s so cute.

color wheel in action

K and I did a neat activity yesterday and today. We took one of those clear plastic egg cartons (washed thoroughly twice, due to her egg allergy) and put water in each of the egg compartments, creating little “pots” of water. I put two drops of food coloring in several of the pots. I made blue and green and red and yellow water pots. Then we took a couple of medicine droppers (I had to teach K how to work them first — pinch the bulb, release the bulb to draw in the water, then pinch the bulb again to release the water) and made different colors. It was a great way to show her how red and blue make purple, red and yellow make orange, and yellow and blue make green. We even combined lots of colors and made a nice brown, too. It was fun and full of learning, too.

distance and time

One of the things I’m learning down here is how to put things in to what I call “distance context” — I try to relate them to the town where we used to live. Going into downtown from here is like going to a city 45 minutes away from where we used to live. Sure I’d be willing to do it once in a while, but it isn’t a trip I’d make even on an every other month basis. It’s weird how physical distance and psychological distance play into our daily lives.

reading and writing

I just finished re-reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, which is a great book on writing. up there with Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones. I had forgotten lots of the things that Anne says about writing. it was good to remember that I really do lots of the “right” things along the lines of being a good writer. Sometimes, I guess because I’ve never really been published (somehow the stuff I’ve published never seems to “count” in my own mind but for some reason I still am perversely pleased that my picture is on a book jacket, even if it is in a group of contributing authors) on my own with a “real” press, I think that I am not a real writer.

But this book that a friend recommended, Heather Sellers’ Page After Page, has me nailed. She talks about all the things that writers do (look at the world as something to write about, make notes about everything, carry paper to write on everywhere you go, capture a moment/conversation/mood in a frenzy, etc.), and I do all of them. The best thing she has said so far in the book (I’m about half-way through it) is that writers know they are good and think they suck all at the same time. and that is so true about me. Even when I know I am writing well, I still anguish over every last thing I write. Even though I’ve generally had good feedback about my writing, I still think it sucks. It is this tension, and the ability to hold such a tension, that leads to good writing. Which is remarkably reassuring in some neurotic kind of way.

Anyway, all that is prelude to the fact that I’m trying to plan a time to get away to write. I’ve been promising myself that I would do this since the winter I was pregnant with E. T even says now that he thinks he could handle both children for a night without me. So some time this fall, I’m going to try to spend a night away from E and see how it goes. Who knows, I might be like white trash with new money and not know what to do with myself and squander the time with bad decisions and stupid moves. Or I might actually get something accomplished. I don’t know. But it is fun to think about being away from the children, if only for a short time. And even more fun to think about writing in longer spurts than the 15-20 minutes a day I try to squeeze in around naps and snacks and playing outside and laundry.

next

I don’t think I was cut out to be a SAHM forever. and as guilty as I feel saying it, my children are not enough for me. I feel horrible saying it, but I want more to do in life.

motherhood changes me

I have changed a lot since I have become a mother. As much as I used to adore big cities and lots of activities, I now prefer a small town – with a few parks and some community identity – in which to raise my children. I used to like the idea of moving around, finding new places to visit, perchance even to live. Now I like the idea of living in the same spot for the next 20 years, to give my children some stability. I used to enjoy a job that took over my life, that had long hours and boundaries that spilled in and out of my personal life. Now I long for a job that I can “leave at the office” so to speak. One that doesn’t intrude on my family time or my children’s lives and my responsibility to them.

stability

My high school reunion has given me lots to think about. I loved my graduating class so much. My heart is so full when I think about those folks and our memories and the places we went and the life we experienced together. I’m so glad that I knew them growing up. I want to offer that to my children. I want for them to know the people in their class from year to year so that it minimizes the changes they have to adapt to in the midst of changing teachers and courses and buildings not to mention the body/hormonal/physical changes they have to adjust to while growing up. I want them to have that kind of stability in the midst of lots of change.

I realize that with all the job changes that folks have to go through, that may be nigh impossible these days. But for many small towns, I’d imagine there are plenty of people who manage to stay in the same house and same school district their entire educational life.

My children don’t have to stay in that small town, but in my adulthood I have become a convert to life in a small town. I grew up in a small city of about 60-80K, which was a fine size to my mind at the time. Still, I wanted to go to a bigger city when I went off to college. So I did. And I would expect my own children to leave where they grew up at some point, too. But I like what I see in well-developed towns. And I just want to offer that kind of environment to my kids.

alone

T leaves today. He’ll be on a business trip for a couple of days. I’m trying to be brave. But I dread it.

location

I want to want to live where I live.