calling

something profound and deep happened to me today. regarding my calling. I know a calling isn’t like a job. a calling is something you struggle with. your whole life. and it is a difficult thing. even for folks who know what that calling is. I don’t WANT to be a minister. I don’t WANT to be attached to the United Methodist Church. I desperately oh so desperately want something I can “leave at the office” something that doesn’t take me through emotional hell, something I’m not attached to so deeply. but every time I think I have gotten myself to a place where that is possible, I get yanked back into it. you think I enjoy this shitty rollercoaster of emotions? you think I WANT God to keep talking to me?! no, I don’t. I hate it. it sucks. it’s the worst thing that can happen to you. I hate hearing from God. because a) nobody understands that in today’s world and b) I don’t want to hear what God has to say. it’s just plain awful.